so i've been thinking...kind of pointless stuff i have to admit, but thinking nonetheless. i've been around for nearly a quarter of a century. according to life expectancy numbers, a third of my life on this planet is over. a whole damn THIRD of it is gone, in the past, soon to be forgotten. i mean seriously, did i even do anything worthwhile in all my years of existence? i don't even know what is worthwhile anymore. it seems to me that those things that i enjoyed and found fulfillment doing, everyone else sees as a worthless waste of my time. and right now, God's giving me the silent treatment. maybe i deserve it. i don't know. i just don't know.

if that wasn't depressing in itself, i can just picture the next third of my life. more people telling me what to do, who to marry, what jobs i can and cannot have, who i can talk to and spend my time with. and not to mention, the nerve-wracking, unending, completely frustrating struggle of trying to convince everyone around me that my choices are legitimate and even if they're not, they're mine to make. and then after insisting on doing things my way, allowing the guilt of my excessive assertiveness to ruin what could have been beautiful and giving everyone the pleasure of saying "i told you so". but if i don't do it, i'll be living everybody else's life but my own and that would suck just as much.

and the hardest part is that i don't know what God wants anymore. i mean, i thought i did... i've always prayed that God would align my desires with His will. i've never been one of those "i got a word from the Lord about this" kind of people, it's always just been a quiet desire, a sudden inspiration, an idea that keeps churning around in my mind until all i can do is follow through and then, in looking back, see that it was God all along. lately though, i've been wrong, or so it would seem...not in the "oops, let's try again" kind of way, but more of a crash, burn, just bury me now kind of way. and i don't understand. it's a scary feeling when you can't trust your ability to make a sound decision or hear God's voice.

and on that note, i'll bring my latest whiny post to a close. it's been two months since i came back to atlanta. surprisingly, i've held on to some shred of sanity for longer than i thought i could. but those big heavy storm clouds full of anger, frustration, desperation, and overall hopelessness are beginning to descend upon me. and my little boat can't take the wind and the waves. God, if you're still there...throw me a lifeline.

Benita Joy