i understand how it feels to have your dreams crushed.
i have learned what it means to have a broken spirit.
i know what it is like to physically suffer from a chronic illness.
and i have experienced the pain of a broken heart.

as 2008 comes to a close, i really don't have a whole lot to say. i won't write a recap because that would be unbearably painful. i guess the year started out amazing, anything was possible. as it ends, my room has become a refuge from the world and also a sort of prison. from here? i don't know. i'm losing my mind, my will to live, and i'm not so certain anymore whether God has a purpose for my life. or why it is that He gives me these ideas that make people think i'm crazy. why can't i just be happy with what i have and stop trying to change the world? why does my heart want to attempt impossibilities instead of accepting responsibilities? i really don't make any sense to myself or to anyone else around me.

i've always trusted my heart because that's where God spoke to me. everything i count as meaningful in my life was a result of me following my heart even when it seemed ridiculous. it was never grand confirmations or voices from the sky or people's approval or prophecy or whatever, it was always just a feeling, intuition, whatever you want to call it. this year though, for the first time since i can remember, i might have made a huge mistake. or at least it seems like a mistake because everyone says it is. i'm still not convinced.

so here i am without any direction really. i don't know where God is or what He's saying. i know what my heart is saying, but they tell me i can't trust it anymore cuz that would mean hurting too many people and burning too many bridges in the process. the only other voice is that of my mom and the family, and i can't bring myself to identify the voice that has been the most discouraging this year as the voice of God in my life. and so i'm waiting, hoping, trusting that God hasn't abandoned me. because He promised He would never leave me nor forsake me. scripture says: "my flesh and my heart may fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

holding on because my life depends on it,

beni