Every few months I go through a period of reassessment and reflection. For the last couple weeks, this reassessment has been prolonged I guess. Somehow I lost the love of the Father in me, and I had to refocus and reorganize my life and once again be captivated by Christ’s love.

I lost my dad two years ago. The pain I still feel from that loss silently stings me everyday. Consequently I let other people in my life take the place of God and who He was. I was receiving approval, acceptance, and love from the wrong sources. I tried to have father figures take the place of my earthly father.

When I was at camp before school started the Lord did a deep work in me. I realized that God was my Father. He told me that He was the one who would take that place. I began the journey of accepting my fatherlessness and accepting that God was now my Father. I began praying prayers addressing God as Dad, Daddy, and Abba. This revelation has liberated me deeply. I’ve come closer to knowing God in the quietness of my own loss and hurt.

Truth be told, I never connected well with my earthly father. I had transferred that same doubt, the doubt that maybe I wouldn’t connect, to God. At camp, God began the process of capturing that special place I had for my father. In doing so, God opened up a lot of closed rooms in my heart. Rooms of self-hate, rooms of self-deception, rooms of self-degradation. I began the process of loving myself.

The one word I can think of that corresponds to this season of my life is Unmasking. I’m unmasking myself to the love of God…to the love of my Father…to the love of my Abba. The more I think about it the more I cannot understand it. There are days when I just engage my mind in the question, “God why do you love me?” This season of my life has been one of questioning. For a while I actually felt as if I was a walking surgery. I felt the Lord dealing with me in deep areas of identity and purpose and self-worth, and I felt for days as if I was in my most vulnerable state. God was doing a ‘live surgery’ on my heart if you will.

God has taken on a whole new meaning for me. The religiousity of my faith is slowly passing as I learn to love God because He loves me. I’m learning to accept the Fatherhood of God as I accept that God truly likes me. I’ve begun the journey of struggling with myself and asking myself questions that delve into the core of my being. This season has not been an easy one. I know I’ll never be the same. God has done a deep work in me.

I think for the last few years, God’s let me see myself through rose-colored glasses. He let me see my God-infused side of me. He gave me an idea of where He wanted me to go. Now I think God’s letting me see myself for who I truly am right now. He’s letting me look into the mirror and see my imperfections. He’s letting me take a good look at my crooked fingers, my bruises, and my disfigurements.

He’s unmasked the very core of me and quieted the impostor that constantly tells me I’m something I’m not. He’s given me a chance to see my broken self, and it’s been the hardest season of my life. I’ve struggled the most with my identity, but as a friend told me best, “God’s clearing the airwaves so He can impart to you a crystal-clear image”. I truly believe that.

So where to now…I’m finally understanding how weak I truly am. I am so weak. I’m weaker than I could ever put into words. I’m amazed at how far God has brought me. He’s kept me secure in His love, and all I could ever ask is for more and more of it. I need it…desperately…exquistely…scandalously. I finish with these words in a repetition:

Abba…Abba…I belong to you
Abba…Abba…I belong to you
Abba…Abba…I belong to you

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