10. the recent lack of updates is not because i'm not writing. but rather because i'm not publishing. the following is a mishmash of stuff i wrote two months ago mixed in with stuff i wrote two minutes ago as well as the random nonsense that crosses my mind on a moment to moment basis.

9. i'm sick with the flu. though not of the pig variety. just in case anyone is prone to abnormal anxiety.

8. if rules were meant to be kept, God wouldn't have placed the forbidden fruit right in the center of the garden and then highlighted the fact that we have free will. it was meant to happen all along. God's not stupid.

7. there are some absolutes, but not everything is absolute. Jesus is Lord. absolute. we are living in the end times. speculation. drug addicts go to hell. not your judgment call. then there are other things. if you're not in the career your parents want you to be in, are you dishonoring them? if you told the man on the street begging for change that you didn't have any to spare when really you have plenty in your wallet, are you a liar? when you're annoyed with an annoying co-worker, and you exaggerate a mishap to make them look even more stupid, are you bearing false witness? the point is, as humans, there are certain things we do just because. to get a laugh. lighten a moment. save money. or our dignity. or just because it means choosing to act upon our desires as opposed to someone else's desires for us. does that make it wrong? not necessarily. but it does make us human. and i think the point that God was trying to make is that we have to depend on Him completely. He doesn't expect is to be perfect. if we were, we wouldn't need Him.

6. i love the fall time change. a whole extra hour!

5. i was telling the Lord the other night that i was weary and that i wanted Him to take me away. and this song from one of the many Christian cassette tapes i listened to growing up came to mind. the words are from scripture: "let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season, we shall reap if we don't lose heart."

4. i just want to be happy. and i'm not. being busy with school and work keeps my mind off the fact that i'm not happy so at least i can function in society in a half-way productive manner. but i still feel strange, out of place. like the pieces of the puzzle aren't fitting together for whatever reason. i want to go back. to the girls at the girls' home. to the children of the slums. to being in love again. i was happy. i had energy. life was something to live. and not just endure. i wasn't afraid. there was fulfillment. a sense of belonging. everything might not have been perfect. but it felt right. and right now, i would give anything to be there again.

3. i hate moving. at least i don't have to do it again for another year. i hate boxes and packing. i've decided i need to downsize. live in such a way that all my belongings fit into fewer suitcases. besides, i have so many clothes and shoes that i don't actually wear anyway.

2. it's great to have people around you who can help and who you can count on. but it's even better when you can just do it yourself and not worry about how to return the favor. thank God for craigslist.

1. sorrow grips
refuses release
life weighs down
bitterly helpless
tears unyielding
crushing sobs
like ocean waves
only sadder
hope is playing
hide and seek
dreams delayed
half my heart
a distant place

Benita Joy