Surrendering It All To God . . .
- By Indu Shanmugam
- Published 01/8/2007
Indu Shanmugam is a 20-something, college student from Oregon, USA. She is majoring in English literature and language. She also studied Theology for a short period. She wants to be a teacher. As a literature enthusiast, she enjoys literature of all types and from writers of various backgrounds from the classics, French realists, Christian writings like C.S Lewis and South Asian literature. As for her own writings, "I am still trying to find and develop my own voice." She sees the art of the written word as a way to speak about Christ and explore truth. Before she met Jesus Christ, she has been searching for the meaning of life through experimentation of other religions, philosophies and ideas. At the age of 17, she accepted Christ after a powerful encounter with God through a miracle. God's presence and deep truths in the Bible fuel her creativity. She is involved in church activities and has a love for the church and would like to see every believer grow, become closer to God and live fruitfully. She loves traveling, sipping bubble teas, theatre, music, films and hanging out with friends and has a weakness for cheesecake.
Sounds simple in words, doesn't it?
Yet something believers constantly struggle in. Why do I cling on so fondly to my past? My past consists of bad events, mistakes and regrets. Harbored feelings of anger, bitterness and sorrow has produced a poison or toxin in my mind. I cannot understand why certain things happened. Nothing can ever change the fact that my past will always be a part of me.
However, the only difference as a Christian is the effects of my past is dead at the acceptance of Christ. Of course, I will remember them but it shouldn't affect my present life as a young adult. Occasionally, I can't help but wonder if I missed out on something. I mean as a child, isn't life supposed to be simple? why did I live such a complicated life? Yes, children do struggle. Don't you know reality? Life has wounded me, bruised me and beaten me up.
Occasionally, I wished I grew up in a Christian home. I would have known better and not made many mistakes. I hold on to resentment. I mean, somebody witnessed to me when I was seven. That too, back then I was close to accepting Christ. Why didn't I? I wasted good years on useless things. Life is a vapor and a blink of an eye and I already wasted a significant amount. When God found me, I barely had anything left of me. I had given myself to useless idols before I met Jesus.
I can't look at my God with the burden of self-condemnation. What will He say to me? I am so embarassed to look to Him. It is hard to really believe that God can really erase away the effects of past sin. I have gone to Bible college for two years and I know the scriptures and theology.
I have the head-knowledge of forgiveness, grace, redeemption and I heard every church cliche like "if the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future" and "God has a purpose for you." Sure, but what difference will that make in my life? I have been discouraged to the point of almost giving up. My soul is like dry, parched land. Ever notice when you throw water on extremely dry ground, the water just sits on top and doesn't sink in. That is what self-condemnation does to your soul.
Life will never make sense. I realize that God will never give up on me. His love reaches out to me. Feeling his strong presence, I feel the hardness melt away. My damaged hopes, dreams and views of life can be restored. If I fully surrender to God without doubt or fear, the past doesn't have to affect me anymore.
I had a miserable life but that does not mean my current life has to suffer. Who says I cant live a fulfilling life? However, the fulfilling satisfying life I've always dreamed around is possible if I surrender myself fully to God. I may have missed out on somethings in the past but isn't God faithful enough to restore and fill the emptiness in the soul. I surrender it all to God and now I see where my life is going. It is going somewhere.