I didn't realize how much I had an attachment with the things of the world. It is a natural tendency to be drawn into darkness. It is the natural tendency of my flawed human nature. Old mindsets and habits are hard to break. The reason for that is because I am still attached to them. I still loved the things of the world. I have the silliest thought in the world. I thought that if I surrender myself fully to God, I will become a boring person and live a boring life. I want adventure and live life to the fullest. I realized the value of life because I almost lost my life 5 times.

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      I really want to make my life count for something bigger than myself. What is the point of living a dull, drab life when God died on the cross to save us? It is like He sacrificed himself so that we can live better, satisfying and yet fuller lives. He wants us to live it up.

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      I desire something so much that I am at loss for words to describe it. God promises are easy to forget. Usually, I am open to God in my prayer life. But, there are somethings I simply cannot open myself up to. I feel vulnerable, ashamed and afraid of losing God's love. It sounds silly but it is true. I am covering those things in my life by holding on to things I should let go of.

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      I held on to these things that promised a back-up and alternative to God's plan. Those things of the world disappointed me and broke my heart. I am more disappointed than ever. I have been holding on to bitterness, anxiety and harbored ill-feelings from past experiences. I made decisions based on that rather than trusting God and following His new plan. God's path isn't always easy but it will ensure that I live my life to the fullest.

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      Now, I did open myself up. I feel even more emotionally vulnerable as I slowly hand those things one by one to God. At the same time, I am starting to experience a new peace of mind. I have a feeling that I did the right thing. Forgiving and releasing bitterness that has been embedded in your mind for a long time is difficult. I feel somewhat beaten and broken into many pieces. In a strange way, it feels good. I don't know how to describe myself.

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      The only thing I can say is, "God, don't leave my side and leave me alone like this..."

Indu Shanmugam