My Heart is Broken
- By Indu Shanmugam
- Published 07/23/2007
Indu Shanmugam
Indu Shanmugam is a 20-something, college student from Oregon, USA. She is majoring in English literature and language. She also studied Theology for a short period. She wants to be a teacher. As a literature enthusiast, she enjoys literature of all types and from writers of various backgrounds from the classics, French realists, Christian writings like C.S Lewis and South Asian literature. As for her own writings, "I am still trying to find and develop my own voice." She sees the art of the written word as a way to speak about Christ and explore truth. Before she met Jesus Christ, she has been searching for the meaning of life through experimentation of other religions, philosophies and ideas. At the age of 17, she accepted Christ after a powerful encounter with God through a miracle. God's presence and deep truths in the Bible fuel her creativity. She is involved in church activities and has a love for the church and would like to see every believer grow, become closer to God and live fruitfully. She loves traveling, sipping bubble teas, theatre, music, films and hanging out with friends and has a weakness for cheesecake.
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I really want to make my life count for something bigger than myself. What is the point of living a dull, drab life when God died on the cross to save us? It is like He sacrificed himself so that we can live better, satisfying and yet fuller lives. He wants us to live it up.
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I desire something so much that I am at loss for words to describe it. God promises are easy to forget. Usually, I am open to God in my prayer life. But, there are somethings I simply cannot open myself up to. I feel vulnerable, ashamed and afraid of losing God's love. It sounds silly but it is true. I am covering those things in my life by holding on to things I should let go of.
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I held on to these things that promised a back-up and alternative to God's plan. Those things of the world disappointed me and broke my heart. I am more disappointed than ever. I have been holding on to bitterness, anxiety and harbored ill-feelings from past experiences. I made decisions based on that rather than trusting God and following His new plan. God's path isn't always easy but it will ensure that I live my life to the fullest.
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Now, I did open myself up. I feel even more emotionally vulnerable as I slowly hand those things one by one to God. At the same time, I am starting to experience a new peace of mind. I have a feeling that I did the right thing. Forgiving and releasing bitterness that has been embedded in your mind for a long time is difficult. I feel somewhat beaten and broken into many pieces. In a strange way, it feels good. I don't know how to describe myself.
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The only thing I can say is, "God, don't leave my side and leave me alone like this..."
Indu Shanmugam
