Isn't that what the internet has become? I'll confess that I haven't been a model Christian. I don't know to explain this but I've been going through a discouraging situation. It's painful and I feel beaten when I'm facing this storm of my life. On top of that, the people I trusted the most disappointed me. I feel that life is a b***** that has stabbed me in the back.

Everyday, I've been trying to carry myself and be a strong person that sails right through tough times. In reality, I feel I'm about to fall apart. I can't cry all the time and don't want to be constantly moping. Things are so discouraging that I wanted to leave Jesus. I wish I could confidently turn my back away and forget about church, my faith and Jesus without an ounce of guilt or anxiety. I cannot convert back to a non-believer. When I want to leave Jesus, my peace of mind disappears. I feel tense. I'm still upset. Then, I started questioning the divinity of Jesus. I wonder whether Jesus was like a dead beat father. Where is he when I need him?

I had a very vivid vision on my mind when I woke up. Usually I'm used to getting up cranky, feeling heavy and as though I had to drag my carcass out of bed. Instead I felt light and an eerie kind of peace. In this vision ---I am in a dark street corner and suddenly Jesus appears in front of me and there's light everywhere in his presence. I felt warmth, love and presence. I hear him say, "Even though you walk away from me, turn away from me. I have not given up on you. I wont because I don't want you to fall away into darkness and away from me..."

While, he's speaking these to me, not too far ahead there was a ditch that I would have not seen without his light and fallen right into it. And far ahead there is a gang of demon thugs ready to attack me. The world is clearly a dangerous place and was I about to try navigating the world by myself.

So, Jesus you do exist. But who are you? How am I ever going to know who you are? I remember Jesus coming to doubting Thomas and showing him his nail pierced hands. He walks towards me and shows me his hands and says, "Come and see if I am real..."

The moment I thought, "Do you love me?"

He takes my chin in his hand and looks at my eyes and says, "Yes I do...come back to me. I'll restore you. I haven't forgotten about you. There is a way out of your situation..." I feel his comfot, warmth, love and open arms.

I am stunned by his grace. He isn't angry at me even with my worst unchristian attitudes. Now, what, God? My peace of mind is restored. Since the day I decided to question whether Jesus was god and if my faith was for real I felt unpeaceful but felt there was something poking me deep within my spirit and intuition. I guess it was Jesus (living in me) trying to get my attention. I tried to ignore him and go my way. But he won't desert me. And wasn't he deserted by his disciples during the time of crucifixtion? I still feel as though I am beaten up and exhausted in my spirit. I desperately need real answers. I have a lot of basic unanswered questions. I'm questioning some of the things that I've believed. I want to know for myself it's true.

I'll just surrender and take a step in rediscovering the truths. I'll just let the truth heal me and there should be no shame is reasoning. Why should reason be anti-Christian? Could it be a pathway to connecting back with God?

Indu Shanmugan